"Backwards Thinking"

A couple of days ago I received a text from Zach, my 23 year old. He was hoping I could pick up lunch for him and drop it at the school where he works. He had forgotten his lunch at home and didn't have any money with him. (he most likely didn't have any money, period!)

Zach works full-time as a special ed. assistant and attends college two nights a week. He should hopefully get his special ed. degree by 2011.

This kid has always had me wrapped around his little finger. I don't love him more than I love his sister but hmmmm......he's just always known how to work me!

When Zach called needing lunch, I couldn't wait to take it to him. It felt so nice to be needed by him again. I truly miss my children being young. I never thought I would but I do, terribly. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would. I made so many mistakes with them and I ache to redo it all over again.


I find myself not living in the present with Chris and Dallas because I am so caught up in what should have or could have been if I had done things differently in the past. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and trying to figure out what the lesson is in all of this "backwards thinking". I think I'm finally coming to realize that the reason the past has been on my mind so much is because there are SO many lessons for me to learn from my past mistakes. Lessons to keep me from making those same mistakes with my stepson and in my new marriage.


Why is it so hard for me to let go of the past? Living in the past in your head is torture. I struggle with it everyday. So I have made myself a promise that I will do my best to hold on to the good memories from my past, and take the lessons from past mistakes with me and try to live each day in the present. And most importantly, I will work on forgiving myself for all of those mistakes.

Wish me luck!

A Real Life Garbage Disposal

Since Dallas moved in our grocery bill has tripled!! Someone should have reminded me how much teenage boys could eat! OMG!! It's insane. He eats breakfast, and then a snack and then lunch and then another snack and then when he gets home from school, he eats again. Then there's dinner and then I notice he eats again (not a little but a lot) before he goes to bed. I can not keep enough food in this house!

His maternal grandparents live in Amarillo and see Dallas on a regular basis. I have heard little comments through Dallas that they don't think I am feeding him enough because he has lost weight since he moved in! Really? Have they seen my grocery bill???

The reason he has lost weight is because he is going through puberty AND he is involved in athletics and they work out at school.

Last week I made cookies after dinner. Dallas and I had a few and then I put the leftovers in a ziplock bag on my kitchen counter. There were at least six left. The very next night I go to get a cookie and guess what? They are ALL gone. I was so mad. I REALLY wanted one of those cookies!! I didn't say anything to Dallas but I was not happy that I wasn't going to get my cookie fix that night. How rude of him to eat ALL of the cookies!

Last night while sound asleep I was awakened to my six year old Golden Retriever throwing up. Guess what he threw up? A plastic ziplock bag! I should have known. The only being in this house that eats more than Dallas is my dog! He will eat anything! (and I do mean ANYTHING)

This dog is insane about food. He weighs about 85 lbs. and is obsessed with eating. He has helped himself to six hamburger buns and three turkey burgers straight off my countertop one night. Another night, he ate a pan of lemon bars that were going to be used for a bridal shower.

So, as much as Dallas eats, Tobey (my dog) eats more and he's not even a teenager anymore....he's just crazy!