A couple of days ago I received a text from Zach, my 23 year old. He was hoping I could pick up lunch for him and drop it at the school where he works. He had forgotten his lunch at home and didn't have any money with him. (he most likely didn't have any money, period!)
Zach works full-time as a special ed. assistant and attends college two nights a week. He should hopefully get his special ed. degree by 2011.
This kid has always had me wrapped around his little finger. I don't love him more than I love his sister but hmmmm......he's just always known how to work me!
When Zach called needing lunch, I couldn't wait to take it to him. It felt so nice to be needed by him again. I truly miss my children being young. I never thought I would but I do, terribly. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would. I made so many mistakes with them and I ache to redo it all over again.
I find myself not living in the present with Chris and Dallas because I am so caught up in what should have or could have been if I had done things differently in the past. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and trying to figure out what the lesson is in all of this "backwards thinking". I think I'm finally coming to realize that the reason the past has been on my mind so much is because there are SO many lessons for me to learn from my past mistakes. Lessons to keep me from making those same mistakes with my stepson and in my new marriage.
Why is it so hard for me to let go of the past? Living in the past in your head is torture. I struggle with it everyday. So I have made myself a promise that I will do my best to hold on to the good memories from my past, and take the lessons from past mistakes with me and try to live each day in the present. And most importantly, I will work on forgiving myself for all of those mistakes.
Wish me luck!
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Are we the same person, or what?
ReplyDeleteMaybe it has something to do with being raised by the same parents?? :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Charla! I enjoyed reading your posts! My kids are 7&9. Thanks for the reminder to cherish the "inconveniences" of children!
ReplyDeleteI had a dream for years that someday the doorbell would ring and it would be my lost children (lost to adulthood), ages 4 and 2. I would exclaim, "There you are! I've missed you so much!" Here's the nice part: when my grandson was born, he looked like a mix of my own son and daughter.I see their expressions, their movements in him. He'll be three soon; I'm having the dream come true. Maybe you're working on your grandmothering skills.
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