A couple of days ago I received a text from Zach, my 23 year old. He was hoping I could pick up lunch for him and drop it at the school where he works. He had forgotten his lunch at home and didn't have any money with him. (he most likely didn't have any money, period!)
Zach works full-time as a special ed. assistant and attends college two nights a week. He should hopefully get his special ed. degree by 2011.
This kid has always had me wrapped around his little finger. I don't love him more than I love his sister but hmmmm......he's just always known how to work me!
When Zach called needing lunch, I couldn't wait to take it to him. It felt so nice to be needed by him again. I truly miss my children being young. I never thought I would but I do, terribly. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would. I made so many mistakes with them and I ache to redo it all over again.
I find myself not living in the present with Chris and Dallas because I am so caught up in what should have or could have been if I had done things differently in the past. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and trying to figure out what the lesson is in all of this "backwards thinking". I think I'm finally coming to realize that the reason the past has been on my mind so much is because there are SO many lessons for me to learn from my past mistakes. Lessons to keep me from making those same mistakes with my stepson and in my new marriage.
Why is it so hard for me to let go of the past? Living in the past in your head is torture. I struggle with it everyday. So I have made myself a promise that I will do my best to hold on to the good memories from my past, and take the lessons from past mistakes with me and try to live each day in the present. And most importantly, I will work on forgiving myself for all of those mistakes.
Wish me luck!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Real Life Garbage Disposal
Since Dallas moved in our grocery bill has tripled!! Someone should have reminded me how much teenage boys could eat! OMG!! It's insane. He eats breakfast, and then a snack and then lunch and then another snack and then when he gets home from school, he eats again. Then there's dinner and then I notice he eats again (not a little but a lot) before he goes to bed. I can not keep enough food in this house!
His maternal grandparents live in Amarillo and see Dallas on a regular basis. I have heard little comments through Dallas that they don't think I am feeding him enough because he has lost weight since he moved in! Really? Have they seen my grocery bill???
The reason he has lost weight is because he is going through puberty AND he is involved in athletics and they work out at school.
Last week I made cookies after dinner. Dallas and I had a few and then I put the leftovers in a ziplock bag on my kitchen counter. There were at least six left. The very next night I go to get a cookie and guess what? They are ALL gone. I was so mad. I REALLY wanted one of those cookies!! I didn't say anything to Dallas but I was not happy that I wasn't going to get my cookie fix that night. How rude of him to eat ALL of the cookies!
Last night while sound asleep I was awakened to my six year old Golden Retriever throwing up. Guess what he threw up? A plastic ziplock bag! I should have known. The only being in this house that eats more than Dallas is my dog! He will eat anything! (and I do mean ANYTHING)
This dog is insane about food. He weighs about 85 lbs. and is obsessed with eating. He has helped himself to six hamburger buns and three turkey burgers straight off my countertop one night. Another night, he ate a pan of lemon bars that were going to be used for a bridal shower.
So, as much as Dallas eats, Tobey (my dog) eats more and he's not even a teenager anymore....he's just crazy!
His maternal grandparents live in Amarillo and see Dallas on a regular basis. I have heard little comments through Dallas that they don't think I am feeding him enough because he has lost weight since he moved in! Really? Have they seen my grocery bill???
The reason he has lost weight is because he is going through puberty AND he is involved in athletics and they work out at school.
Last week I made cookies after dinner. Dallas and I had a few and then I put the leftovers in a ziplock bag on my kitchen counter. There were at least six left. The very next night I go to get a cookie and guess what? They are ALL gone. I was so mad. I REALLY wanted one of those cookies!! I didn't say anything to Dallas but I was not happy that I wasn't going to get my cookie fix that night. How rude of him to eat ALL of the cookies!
Last night while sound asleep I was awakened to my six year old Golden Retriever throwing up. Guess what he threw up? A plastic ziplock bag! I should have known. The only being in this house that eats more than Dallas is my dog! He will eat anything! (and I do mean ANYTHING)
This dog is insane about food. He weighs about 85 lbs. and is obsessed with eating. He has helped himself to six hamburger buns and three turkey burgers straight off my countertop one night. Another night, he ate a pan of lemon bars that were going to be used for a bridal shower.
So, as much as Dallas eats, Tobey (my dog) eats more and he's not even a teenager anymore....he's just crazy!
Monday, September 28, 2009
What kind of woman are you?
I was single for 10 years before marrying Chris and during that time, I met and hung out with a lot of single moms. Most of them fell into one of two categories.
Category #1 women had ex-husbands that were jerks who didn't pay child support and didn't see their children on a regular basis. These women let them get away with this bad behavior. All these women hoped and prayed that one day the jerk would wake up and take an active role in their childs life. Couldn't he see how wonderful these children were and how much he was missing out on? They watched their children cry themselves to sleep at night because the jerk wouldn't call the child or promised he would pick them up and spend time with them and then left them standing on the porch suitcase in hand wondering where their daddy was. These women overcompensated for the jerk by doing too much for thier children because they felt so bad that they didn't have a "good " father. Most of these women desperately needed child support but never made the "father" pay.
Category #2. women had ex-husbands who paid child support and saw their children as much as they possibly could. This category #2 ex-husband begged for more time with his child and category #2 woman denied it over and over because it wasn't set out in the divorce papers. This woman took her ex back to court if she thought he got a $.25 per hour raise. This woman wanted to make her exes life as miserable as possible, regardless of how it affected her children.
I realize that not ALL women fall into Category #1 or #2, but most of the women I met did. I was a Category #1 woman. My childrens "father" was no father at all. My brother in law once told me my ex was a terrible husband and a worse father. I hated hearing that. I wanted to defend him but couldn't. I think I wanted to defend him because I desperately wanted those words to not be true for my children....his children.
I never understood the Category #2 woman. I envied her. Why couldn't she see how lucky she was, how lucky her children were, that their daddy was a good daddy?? Was it more important to her to punish her ex than to promote his relationship with his children?
My husbands ex-wife is not a category #1 or #2 woman. She is one of those rare women that parents with her ex-husband. She puts the needs of her child above any animosity she might have for her childs father. (although, I don't believe she feels any towards him) She never took him back to court for more child support. If she needed more money, she called and asked for it and he gave it to her. If she needed his help, she called and asked. If he wanted to spend time with his child outside of the "court ordered time" he asked and she always agreed.
We should all take a lesson from these two people that once thought they loved each other and when they decided they couldn't be together any longer, remembered that the love they once shared had produced a child and out of their love and responsibility for that child they put their differences aside and did (and still do) what is in that childs best interest.
Thank you "K" for not being a #2 kind of woman and thank you Chris for not putting her in the position of being a #1.
Category #1 women had ex-husbands that were jerks who didn't pay child support and didn't see their children on a regular basis. These women let them get away with this bad behavior. All these women hoped and prayed that one day the jerk would wake up and take an active role in their childs life. Couldn't he see how wonderful these children were and how much he was missing out on? They watched their children cry themselves to sleep at night because the jerk wouldn't call the child or promised he would pick them up and spend time with them and then left them standing on the porch suitcase in hand wondering where their daddy was. These women overcompensated for the jerk by doing too much for thier children because they felt so bad that they didn't have a "good " father. Most of these women desperately needed child support but never made the "father" pay.
Category #2. women had ex-husbands who paid child support and saw their children as much as they possibly could. This category #2 ex-husband begged for more time with his child and category #2 woman denied it over and over because it wasn't set out in the divorce papers. This woman took her ex back to court if she thought he got a $.25 per hour raise. This woman wanted to make her exes life as miserable as possible, regardless of how it affected her children.
I realize that not ALL women fall into Category #1 or #2, but most of the women I met did. I was a Category #1 woman. My childrens "father" was no father at all. My brother in law once told me my ex was a terrible husband and a worse father. I hated hearing that. I wanted to defend him but couldn't. I think I wanted to defend him because I desperately wanted those words to not be true for my children....his children.
I never understood the Category #2 woman. I envied her. Why couldn't she see how lucky she was, how lucky her children were, that their daddy was a good daddy?? Was it more important to her to punish her ex than to promote his relationship with his children?
My husbands ex-wife is not a category #1 or #2 woman. She is one of those rare women that parents with her ex-husband. She puts the needs of her child above any animosity she might have for her childs father. (although, I don't believe she feels any towards him) She never took him back to court for more child support. If she needed more money, she called and asked for it and he gave it to her. If she needed his help, she called and asked. If he wanted to spend time with his child outside of the "court ordered time" he asked and she always agreed.
We should all take a lesson from these two people that once thought they loved each other and when they decided they couldn't be together any longer, remembered that the love they once shared had produced a child and out of their love and responsibility for that child they put their differences aside and did (and still do) what is in that childs best interest.
Thank you "K" for not being a #2 kind of woman and thank you Chris for not putting her in the position of being a #1.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Grass is Greener Kind of Girl
Looking back over my life I realize that I was a "grass is greener" kind of girl. If I was single I envied people in a relationship. If I was in a relationship, I envied the freedom single people had.
I have caught myself lately envying my friends that do not have children living at home. I envy that they are getting to do "grown up" things with their significant others. They can go away for a weekend at the drop of a hat and not have to worry about finding somewhere for their child to stay. They have parties where only adults attend, they go out to nice dinners and meet friends for drinks. Their lives seem so romantic and spontaneous and I'm jealous. I find myself thinking that this is what I WAS doing and now I've taken three steps back.
I've also envy couples that have been together years, raised their children and now are experiencing the empty nest syndrome together. I am envious of their history. I can't imagine how rewarding it must feel to look at your partner and know that the two of you together made a home and faced financial struggles as newlyweds and then raised children and now have sent them off into the world and are getting to enjoy getting to know each other again as individuals, not just as parents. What would it be like to have basically grown up with your partner? It just sounds so wonderful. I have two sisters and parents that have done this and I DO envy what they have. But I know it didn't just "happen" to them. They along with their spouses worked their tails off to make a life together. It was a CHOICE they made.
More and more everyday, I believe that love is a choice. It's not just something that happens to you. It's something you have to choose to be a part of.
I have caught myself lately envying my friends that do not have children living at home. I envy that they are getting to do "grown up" things with their significant others. They can go away for a weekend at the drop of a hat and not have to worry about finding somewhere for their child to stay. They have parties where only adults attend, they go out to nice dinners and meet friends for drinks. Their lives seem so romantic and spontaneous and I'm jealous. I find myself thinking that this is what I WAS doing and now I've taken three steps back.
I've also envy couples that have been together years, raised their children and now are experiencing the empty nest syndrome together. I am envious of their history. I can't imagine how rewarding it must feel to look at your partner and know that the two of you together made a home and faced financial struggles as newlyweds and then raised children and now have sent them off into the world and are getting to enjoy getting to know each other again as individuals, not just as parents. What would it be like to have basically grown up with your partner? It just sounds so wonderful. I have two sisters and parents that have done this and I DO envy what they have. But I know it didn't just "happen" to them. They along with their spouses worked their tails off to make a life together. It was a CHOICE they made.
More and more everyday, I believe that love is a choice. It's not just something that happens to you. It's something you have to choose to be a part of.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The New Normal???
It seems like there are eggshells all over my floors these days! That must be the cause for all the tiptoeing around going on in my house!
My husband and his ex-wife divorced before Dallas was even a year old so Chris never got to experience the joys or headaches of having a child around on a day to day basis.
I noticed when Dallas first moved in that Chris was (in my opinion) over reacting to everything Dallas did or didn't do. He was on him constantly to turn the lights off, put the toilet seat down (the dogs were helping themselves to a drink) or to pick up his room. He was driving this poor kid (and me) crazy. Well, Chris finally figured out that he needed to lighten up and is much better about choosing his battles but what I've noticed now is that everyone in this house is being TOO polite.
Dallas tries way too hard to stay out of my way, I am constantly trying to make sure he feels at home and poor Chris is trying to make sure Dallas and I are getting along and happy.
I wonder if we will all ever get to a place where it just feels "normal"? But what if this is my new "normal"? Surely not! Families that actually are nice and considerate of each other?? NO way! I do like that we are all being very considerate of each other, what I don't like is that it feels so awkward. It's like we're all trying too hard. I'm sure with time, we will all relax and settle in and probably start to take each other for granted!! Hmmm....maybe this honeymoon period is not so bad after all!
My husband and his ex-wife divorced before Dallas was even a year old so Chris never got to experience the joys or headaches of having a child around on a day to day basis.
I noticed when Dallas first moved in that Chris was (in my opinion) over reacting to everything Dallas did or didn't do. He was on him constantly to turn the lights off, put the toilet seat down (the dogs were helping themselves to a drink) or to pick up his room. He was driving this poor kid (and me) crazy. Well, Chris finally figured out that he needed to lighten up and is much better about choosing his battles but what I've noticed now is that everyone in this house is being TOO polite.
Dallas tries way too hard to stay out of my way, I am constantly trying to make sure he feels at home and poor Chris is trying to make sure Dallas and I are getting along and happy.
I wonder if we will all ever get to a place where it just feels "normal"? But what if this is my new "normal"? Surely not! Families that actually are nice and considerate of each other?? NO way! I do like that we are all being very considerate of each other, what I don't like is that it feels so awkward. It's like we're all trying too hard. I'm sure with time, we will all relax and settle in and probably start to take each other for granted!! Hmmm....maybe this honeymoon period is not so bad after all!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
"The Step Coach"
My friend Linda remarried when her daughter was four years old. Linda and her new husband had their own child two years after they married. They named their little boy Chad. When Chad was five years old Linda dropped him off for T-Ball practice. Here is how their conversation went that day when she picked him up:
Linda: How was practice today Chad?
Chad : Good! But we had a step coach.
Linda: Step Coach? What do you mean Chad?
Chad : Well the real coach couldn't be there soooo a Step Coach had to fill in.
Chad is almost 30 now and I had not thought about that conversation he had with his mom in years. After I became a step-mom and my step-son moved in with us, that conversation just popped in my head one day.
I guess that is what I am doing...filling in for the real mom since she can't be here. I can't help but think that I do all of the things the "real" mom did but I don't get the same glory. When the "real" mom is around, I get tossed to the side. When an important decision is to be made, the real mom gets called and my opinion somehow isn't as important.
Sometimes I am resentful that I am filling this role but don't get equal billing as the "real" mom. But if I am truthful with myself, I really don't want everything that comes with being the "real" mom. I have my own two children and while I love my step-son, it is a different love than I have for my own two. So with that said, why should I expect him to love me like he does the "real" mom?
Linda: How was practice today Chad?
Chad : Good! But we had a step coach.
Linda: Step Coach? What do you mean Chad?
Chad : Well the real coach couldn't be there soooo a Step Coach had to fill in.
Chad is almost 30 now and I had not thought about that conversation he had with his mom in years. After I became a step-mom and my step-son moved in with us, that conversation just popped in my head one day.
I guess that is what I am doing...filling in for the real mom since she can't be here. I can't help but think that I do all of the things the "real" mom did but I don't get the same glory. When the "real" mom is around, I get tossed to the side. When an important decision is to be made, the real mom gets called and my opinion somehow isn't as important.
Sometimes I am resentful that I am filling this role but don't get equal billing as the "real" mom. But if I am truthful with myself, I really don't want everything that comes with being the "real" mom. I have my own two children and while I love my step-son, it is a different love than I have for my own two. So with that said, why should I expect him to love me like he does the "real" mom?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Unplugged
I performed my first real act of disipline with Dallas this week. He forgot to check in with me and then didn't answer or return my phone calls, so I decided some sort of disipline was in order.
I haven't had to disipline in a long, long time. Hmmm...I couldn't figure out the appropriate thing to do. Then it hit me. This kid is plugged in 24/7. It drives me crazy. His phone is ringing or beeping with a text message constantly so I took his phone away from him. You would have thought I shot his dog. (his dad's favorite saying) He had no idea what to do with himself at first without that damn phone. I found myself feeling sorry for him and guilty. (see previous post) Guess what? He actually played outside, rode his bike and went golfing. Imagine that! He did all of those things without a phone! Miracle!
And, the biggest miracle of all? He's still talking to me!
I haven't had to disipline in a long, long time. Hmmm...I couldn't figure out the appropriate thing to do. Then it hit me. This kid is plugged in 24/7. It drives me crazy. His phone is ringing or beeping with a text message constantly so I took his phone away from him. You would have thought I shot his dog. (his dad's favorite saying) He had no idea what to do with himself at first without that damn phone. I found myself feeling sorry for him and guilty. (see previous post) Guess what? He actually played outside, rode his bike and went golfing. Imagine that! He did all of those things without a phone! Miracle!
And, the biggest miracle of all? He's still talking to me!
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