What kind of woman are you?

I was single for 10 years before marrying Chris and during that time, I met and hung out with a lot of single moms. Most of them fell into one of two categories.

Category #1 women had ex-husbands that were jerks who didn't pay child support and didn't see their children on a regular basis. These women let them get away with this bad behavior. All these women hoped and prayed that one day the jerk would wake up and take an active role in their childs life. Couldn't he see how wonderful these children were and how much he was missing out on? They watched their children cry themselves to sleep at night because the jerk wouldn't call the child or promised he would pick them up and spend time with them and then left them standing on the porch suitcase in hand wondering where their daddy was. These women overcompensated for the jerk by doing too much for thier children because they felt so bad that they didn't have a "good " father. Most of these women desperately needed child support but never made the "father" pay.


Category #2. women had ex-husbands who paid child support and saw their children as much as they possibly could. This category #2 ex-husband begged for more time with his child and category #2 woman denied it over and over because it wasn't set out in the divorce papers. This woman took her ex back to court if she thought he got a $.25 per hour raise. This woman wanted to make her exes life as miserable as possible, regardless of how it affected her children.


I realize that not ALL women fall into Category #1 or #2, but most of the women I met did. I was a Category #1 woman. My childrens "father" was no father at all. My brother in law once told me my ex was a terrible husband and a worse father. I hated hearing that. I wanted to defend him but couldn't. I think I wanted to defend him because I desperately wanted those words to not be true for my children....his children.

I never understood the Category #2 woman. I envied her. Why couldn't she see how lucky she was, how lucky her children were, that their daddy was a good daddy?? Was it more important to her to punish her ex than to promote his relationship with his children?


My husbands ex-wife is not a category #1 or #2 woman. She is one of those rare women that parents with her ex-husband. She puts the needs of her child above any animosity she might have for her childs father. (although, I don't believe she feels any towards him) She never took him back to court for more child support. If she needed more money, she called and asked for it and he gave it to her. If she needed his help, she called and asked. If he wanted to spend time with his child outside of the "court ordered time" he asked and she always agreed.


We should all take a lesson from these two people that once thought they loved each other and when they decided they couldn't be together any longer, remembered that the love they once shared had produced a child and out of their love and responsibility for that child they put their differences aside and did (and still do) what is in that childs best interest.


Thank you "K" for not being a #2 kind of woman and thank you Chris for not putting her in the position of being a #1.

Grass is Greener Kind of Girl

Looking back over my life I realize that I was a "grass is greener" kind of girl. If I was single I envied people in a relationship. If I was in a relationship, I envied the freedom single people had.

I have caught myself lately envying my friends that do not have children living at home. I envy that they are getting to do "grown up" things with their significant others. They can go away for a weekend at the drop of a hat and not have to worry about finding somewhere for their child to stay. They have parties where only adults attend, they go out to nice dinners and meet friends for drinks. Their lives seem so romantic and spontaneous and I'm jealous. I find myself thinking that this is what I WAS doing and now I've taken three steps back.

I've also envy couples that have been together years, raised their children and now are experiencing the empty nest syndrome together. I am envious of their history. I can't imagine how rewarding it must feel to look at your partner and know that the two of you together made a home and faced financial struggles as newlyweds and then raised children and now have sent them off into the world and are getting to enjoy getting to know each other again as individuals, not just as parents. What would it be like to have basically grown up with your partner? It just sounds so wonderful. I have two sisters and parents that have done this and I DO envy what they have. But I know it didn't just "happen" to them. They along with their spouses worked their tails off to make a life together. It was a CHOICE they made.

More and more everyday, I believe that love is a choice. It's not just something that happens to you. It's something you have to choose to be a part of.

The New Normal???

It seems like there are eggshells all over my floors these days! That must be the cause for all the tiptoeing around going on in my house!

My husband and his ex-wife divorced before Dallas was even a year old so Chris never got to experience the joys or headaches of having a child around on a day to day basis.

I noticed when Dallas first moved in that Chris was (in my opinion) over reacting to everything Dallas did or didn't do. He was on him constantly to turn the lights off, put the toilet seat down (the dogs were helping themselves to a drink) or to pick up his room. He was driving this poor kid (and me) crazy. Well, Chris finally figured out that he needed to lighten up and is much better about choosing his battles but what I've noticed now is that everyone in this house is being TOO polite.


Dallas tries way too hard to stay out of my way, I am constantly trying to make sure he feels at home and poor Chris is trying to make sure Dallas and I are getting along and happy.


I wonder if we will all ever get to a place where it just feels "normal"? But what if this is my new "normal"? Surely not! Families that actually are nice and considerate of each other?? NO way! I do like that we are all being very considerate of each other, what I don't like is that it feels so awkward. It's like we're all trying too hard. I'm sure with time, we will all relax and settle in and probably start to take each other for granted!! Hmmm....maybe this honeymoon period is not so bad after all!

"The Step Coach"

My friend Linda remarried when her daughter was four years old. Linda and her new husband had their own child two years after they married. They named their little boy Chad. When Chad was five years old Linda dropped him off for T-Ball practice. Here is how their conversation went that day when she picked him up:

Linda: How was practice today Chad?
Chad : Good! But we had a step coach.
Linda: Step Coach? What do you mean Chad?
Chad : Well the real coach couldn't be there soooo a Step Coach had to fill in.

Chad is almost 30 now and I had not thought about that conversation he had with his mom in years. After I became a step-mom and my step-son moved in with us, that conversation just popped in my head one day.

I guess that is what I am doing...filling in for the real mom since she can't be here. I can't help but think that I do all of the things the "real" mom did but I don't get the same glory. When the "real" mom is around, I get tossed to the side. When an important decision is to be made, the real mom gets called and my opinion somehow isn't as important.

Sometimes I am resentful that I am filling this role but don't get equal billing as the "real" mom. But if I am truthful with myself, I really don't want everything that comes with being the "real" mom. I have my own two children and while I love my step-son, it is a different love than I have for my own two. So with that said, why should I expect him to love me like he does the "real" mom?